You are in a relationship, perhaps you’ve been in this relationship for
some time, or perhaps it hasn’t been all that long, yet feels like your sexual desire has taken a
nosedive. It was all hot and heavy when you first set eyes on each other. You
couldn’t keep your
hands off one another.
It’s been a while since you’ve felt those sexual feelings. But in the recesses of your mind, you remember what it was like and how alive it made you feel. It seems like so long ago.
You may be wondering when it all changed or how your relationship got to this point. Perhaps you’ve been living together for some time; you have the added responsibilities of paying the bills, struggling to make ends meet. Add a couple of kids to the mix and you’ve got a situation that makes it difficult to even have sex let alone set the scene that will ignite your sexual desire.
The truth is, low sexual desire can have multiple causes; poor health, stress, body image, low self-esteem… but one of the major causes of low sexual desire within a couple is a lack of intimacy. That is the focus of my article today.
If you are having intimacy issues, chances are you are having sexual issues. I know what some of you are thinking, how cliché. Cliché perhaps, but nonetheless true.
Intimacy comes from feeling connected to your partner. This connection is created when both individuals recognize that they are, to some extent, emotionally dependent upon the other for love, comfort, support, and protection. “Dependent”, now there’s a bad word, especially seeing how nowadays all the talk is about striving for independence. It is seen as a sign of weakness to admit to any sort of dependency. The truth is, everyone has an innate emotional wanting for trust, security and attachment, be it children to parents or adults to other adults. So, if you or your partner is emotionally unavailable it can leave you feeling anxious, afraid and distant. It is this emotional distance, or lack of intimacy, that determines how well a couple will fair when times are rough, rather than the conflict itself.
When you have intimacy, you feel loved, soothed, and safe. Therefore the goal is to create, or recreate, an emotional connection in order to better handle conflict. Every couple fights. But having intimacy makes you more open to processing the information you hear. It allows you to empathize with your partner.
What does this have to do with sex and improving your sex life? Trust me on this one. People with strong intimate relationships have a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship. Without a doubt!
Here are a few helpful hints:
It’s been a while since you’ve felt those sexual feelings. But in the recesses of your mind, you remember what it was like and how alive it made you feel. It seems like so long ago.
You may be wondering when it all changed or how your relationship got to this point. Perhaps you’ve been living together for some time; you have the added responsibilities of paying the bills, struggling to make ends meet. Add a couple of kids to the mix and you’ve got a situation that makes it difficult to even have sex let alone set the scene that will ignite your sexual desire.
The truth is, low sexual desire can have multiple causes; poor health, stress, body image, low self-esteem… but one of the major causes of low sexual desire within a couple is a lack of intimacy. That is the focus of my article today.
If you are having intimacy issues, chances are you are having sexual issues. I know what some of you are thinking, how cliché. Cliché perhaps, but nonetheless true.
Intimacy comes from feeling connected to your partner. This connection is created when both individuals recognize that they are, to some extent, emotionally dependent upon the other for love, comfort, support, and protection. “Dependent”, now there’s a bad word, especially seeing how nowadays all the talk is about striving for independence. It is seen as a sign of weakness to admit to any sort of dependency. The truth is, everyone has an innate emotional wanting for trust, security and attachment, be it children to parents or adults to other adults. So, if you or your partner is emotionally unavailable it can leave you feeling anxious, afraid and distant. It is this emotional distance, or lack of intimacy, that determines how well a couple will fair when times are rough, rather than the conflict itself.
When you have intimacy, you feel loved, soothed, and safe. Therefore the goal is to create, or recreate, an emotional connection in order to better handle conflict. Every couple fights. But having intimacy makes you more open to processing the information you hear. It allows you to empathize with your partner.
What does this have to do with sex and improving your sex life? Trust me on this one. People with strong intimate relationships have a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship. Without a doubt!
Here are a few helpful hints:
•
Talk about what is bothering
you. Whether it is about a conflict between you and your partner, work, he
kids, or life in general, just talking about it. Even if it does not get
resolved, it still helps.
•
Listen.
•
Don’t
criticize. That will only lead to defensiveness and withdrawal.
•
Remember your partner is not
your enemy.
•
Express your emotional needs.
•
Realize that in an argument you
are both hurting.
•
Do not blame.
•
Identify and admit your
emotional hurt and fears. If you are open and honest you allow yourself to be
vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable increases intimacy. And as I
stated earlier, more intimacy means more sex.
•
Be compassionate.
•
Speak from the hurt not from
the anger.
The opinions expressed here are those of
the author only and not necessarily those of Medipsy Psychological Services. Medipsy is a private psychology clinic
located in Westmount, Quebec.
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