Got any advice for getting started on values?

There are only four days left in February – that means four more values-related posts.   I am wondering if this information has touched people and if they are acting more in line with values.  This morning, I had a conversation with a friend who said he was thinking a lot about his life and his values because of reading this blog. That felt great!  But I know me, and if I was reading, I would be thinking a lot and doing not much.  That is because it is tough for me to get started.  I could easily think that values are important and do nothing.  I have already written about procrastination (Feb 22^nd) describing the things that could cause me to procrastinate once I have started.  Today I would like to offer some help to anyone who - like me - has a hard time getting going. 

Maybe you are thinking you should be doing something about values and getting upset with yourself that you are not.  If so, you could probably use some self-compassion.  Self-compassion involves being kind to yourself when you think you might be failing.  It also involves understanding that your “failure” is just part of being human and that you do not need to push difficult feelings aside.   Researchers who have studied self-compassion and how it related to feeling of failure have found that when people show compassion to themselves they are still able to remain interested and involved (Neff et al., 2005).  This means that if you can be kind to yourself and recognize that it is human to procrastinate, you are more likely to stay involved with the idea that values are important and worthwhile.  If you are not self-compassionate you will be more likely to vent about your failure – and ruminative behavior does not have great psychological consequences.   So if you are procrastinating, know that everyone does sometimes and try not to spend your time being upset with yourself.  Keep values in your awareness and give yourself a chance.  Maybe just take one small action today and nail it.

Reference

Neff, K.D., Hsieh, Y.P., & Dejitterat. K. (2005) Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure.  Self and identity, 4:3, 263-287, DOI: 10.1080/13576500444000317

In my therapy, I talk about my problems. Should I be talking about my values too?

I am a psychotherapist so this question has a lot of resonance for me.  If you are reading regularly, it is no surprise to you that I want to help people recognize what they value and live accordingly. But how do conversations about values fit into therapy when people usually come to talk about what is bothering them?  Put another way, where do therapists stand on the tension between focusing on problems and focusing on potential? 

I am not the first person to grapple with this tension.  For about 60 years, humanistic therapists have been focusing on helping people make sense of their experiences and find meaning in their lives.  Humanistic therapists help people construct meaning in ways that allow them to function better - they use the word “optimally.”  The positive psychology[1] movement of the last 15 or 20 years echoes this optimistic view of people and their resourcefulness.  Humanistic and positive psychologists put the emphasis on potential.  Values are a roadmap to your potential.  Cognitive and behavior therapies came to prominence about 30 years ago. They focus on helping people change unrealistic thoughts and problem behaviours[2].   These therapies focus more strongly on changing what is problematic; they have developed a solid research base.  Both approaches work.  

I have been using an approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).  Very briefly, the approach involves learning to accept difficult thoughts and feelings without over-reacting to them and committing to living according to your values.  You can see why I like it.  I also like ACT because it balances problems with potential.  If you are in therapy you might want to introduce values into the conversation.  If you have taken the VIA (see February 4 post)  and have focused on a couple of values that you would like to use to guide your life, this can be the basis for starting the conversation.  If you have not taken the VIA - but have been thinking about how you want your life to be more meaningful - I predict that your therapist will be very interested to hear what you are thinking. 

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[1] The University of Pennsylvania has a website called Authentic Happiness where you can learn more about positive psychology https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/.

[2] For a review of different therapeutic approaches visit http://www.apa.org/topics/therapy/psychotherapy-approaches.aspx or watch  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCQNtQA9Lg0.

Values can mean a lot of different things. What do you mean by values?

You are right.  In day-to-day usage, the word value has different meanings.  It can describe things that we prize - she values her independence - or things that have worth to me - I value my collection of antique spoons.  The word value is also used to describe something that people generally agree is important and has merit such as the value of a good friend.   When I write about values here, what I am writing about is the idea of that a value is a personal quality of being, a way of behaving in the world that is based on something we find personally important.

  

 I stressed two concepts in the last sentence: behaving or action and personal choice.  According to this way of thinking about values, they are the guidelines for how I act.  If for example, I say that act with integrity.  That might mean being honest in my business dealings, or being fair with my students, or being trustworthy with my family and friends.  In other words, integrity is a quality that transcends the specifics of a situation and it guides my behaviour in different ways (e.g., honesty, trustworthiness, fairness).  These ideas are central to how psychologists who study values have defined them (Rokeach, 1973; Schwartz, 1994).  But values also need to be personal – we need to own them.  So I will behave with integrity  not just because my boss is watching, or my students will be impressed, or my father said this is the right way to be, but because this is who I am and who I aspire to be. When I look out at the world, my values guide how I see it.

Psychologists who practice psychotherapy using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT: https://contextualscience.org/https://contextualscience.org/) regularly work with values in therapy sessions.  The ACT framework uses this idea of values as desired qualities of being.  It also distinguishes values from goals.  That is because goals can be achieved but a value is always a work in progress.  So, to go back to the example of the value to live with integrity, I can keep a promise that I made or tell a difficult truth and those are actions in support of my values.  But doing them does not mean that I have “achieved” integrity.  The value remains as a constant - bigger than a single instance or even a week or a decade of instances. 

References

Rokeach, M. (1973). The nature of human values. New York: Free Press.

Schwartz, S. H. (1994). Are there universal aspects in the structure and contents of human values? Journal of Social Issues, 50(4), 19-45. doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.1994.tb01196.x

Psychotherapy and mental health: a few thoughts and helpful tips.

The staff at Medipsy Psychological Services share their thoughts on issues related to mental health and psychotherapy, as well as helpful tips that anyone should keep in mind. If you have questions or comments, please do email us at info@medipsy.ca. Don't forget to visit our the Medipsy website (www.medipsy.ca) and the ADHD Clinic website (www.adhd-tdah.ca) for more information. 

Is it lack of sexual desire or just a lack of intimacy?

You are in a relationship, perhaps you’ve been in this relationship for some time, or perhaps it hasn’t been all that long, yet feels like your sexual desire has taken a nosedive. It was all hot and heavy when you first set eyes on each other. You couldn’t keep your hands off one another.
            It’s been a while since you’ve felt those sexual feelings. But in the recesses of your mind, you remember what it was like and how alive it made you feel. It seems like so long ago.
            You may be wondering when it all changed or how your relationship got to this point. Perhaps you’ve been living together for some time; you have the added responsibilities of paying the bills, struggling to make ends meet. Add a couple of kids to the mix and you’ve got a situation that makes it difficult to even have sex let alone set the scene that will ignite your sexual desire.
            The truth is, low sexual desire can have multiple causes; poor health, stress, body image, low self-esteem… but one of the major causes of low sexual desire within a couple is a lack of intimacy. That is the focus of my article today.
            If you are having intimacy issues, chances are you are having sexual issues. I know what some of you are thinking, how cliché. Cliché perhaps, but nonetheless true.
            Intimacy comes from feeling connected to your partner. This connection is created when both individuals recognize that they are, to some extent, emotionally dependent upon the other for love, comfort, support, and protection. “Dependent”, now there’s a bad word, especially seeing how nowadays all the talk is about striving for independence. It is seen as a sign of weakness to admit to any sort of dependency. The truth is, everyone has an innate emotional wanting for trust, security and attachment, be it children to parents or adults to other adults. So, if you or your partner is emotionally unavailable it can leave you feeling anxious, afraid and distant. It is this emotional distance, or lack of intimacy, that determines how well a couple will fair when times are rough, rather than the conflict itself.
            When you have intimacy, you feel loved, soothed, and safe. Therefore the goal is to create, or recreate, an emotional connection in order to better handle conflict. Every couple fights. But having intimacy makes you more open to processing the information you hear. It allows you to empathize with your partner.
            What does this have to do with sex and improving your sex life? Trust me on this one. People with strong intimate relationships have a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship. Without a doubt!

Here are a few helpful hints:

•       Talk about what is bothering you. Whether it is about a conflict between you and your partner, work, he kids, or life in general, just talking about it. Even if it does not get resolved, it still helps.

•       Listen.

•       Don’t criticize. That will only lead to defensiveness and withdrawal.

•       Remember your partner is not your enemy.

•       Express your emotional needs.

•       Realize that in an argument you are both hurting.

•       Do not blame.

•       Identify and admit your emotional hurt and fears. If you are open and honest you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable increases intimacy. And as I stated earlier, more intimacy means more sex.

•       Be compassionate.

•       Speak from the hurt not from the anger.

 Written by Catherine Novac, sex therapist and couples’ therapist

The opinions expressed here are those of the author only and not necessarily those of Medipsy Psychological Services. Medipsy is a private psychology clinic located in Westmount, Quebec.