ADHD: When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change...

The best things in life have a way of coming after many disappointments and false starts. This is also true for people with ADHD. The stories I hear from clients about how they eventually come to coaching are very similar: “Once I received the diagnosis, I then worked with someone to help me follow through, but they told me it wasn’t working because I couldn’t follow through.” Years of trial and error with various professionals to learn efficient self-management skills can feel tortuous. The words I hear most are: “despair, lack of effort, I failed because of me," and “I want to be in charge of my own life!"

The good news is that these experiences, while not immediately providing the change clients are seeking, form a rich body of learning about what does and does not work for them. This self-knowledge is key to any successful coaching work in which they will eventually engage.

When clients arrive at a coaching session with a diagnosis and a history of trying many different ways to change things for themselves, they are ready -- truly and fully ready -- to embark on a productive, life-changing experience. Their desire for change is at an all-time high, while their despair can be at an all-time low. Ironically, these are the conditions that sustain clients best when they might otherwise avoid sessions or tasks that feel challenging. This history forms the motivational foundation from which clients will take more risks, tolerate uncertainty, and experiment with how to BE differently in their lives.

The best news of all is that these experiences are merely one aspect of the whole person. And this is what sets coaching apart from other modalities. There is the assumption that all of us are whole, just the way we are. Coaching – even ADHD Coaching - is about growing, learning and becoming. The purpose is to empower, illuminate the essential health of the client, and embrace all parts of themselves.

As Carl R. Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Lynda Hoffman

Certified Professional & Personal Coach

Medipsy Psychological Services

Your Teen is Entering CEGEP or College?

We are inclined to breathe a sigh of relief when our child graduates high school thinking that reaching this milestone means college will be somehow easier. Amid the celebration, it is important to remember that all transitions can be tricky to navigate for those with ADHD. Being prepared for this reality is the best way to set your child up for success.

What is it about transitioning to CEGEP or College that can be so challenging for teens? Like all transitions, the expectations placed on students are suddenly higher than those in high school. And they are higher precisely in the areas that our children may be having difficulties in, for example knowing how much studying is enough, anticipating what is expected when it is not explicitly said, getting around campus, resisting the temptation to go to the mall rather than classes they may not be interested in. These “executive” skills are mediated by the prefrontal cortex of the brain whose development, in individuals with ADHD, tends to lag behind those of their peers without ADHD. Executive function skills are those that support us in doing the things we know we should be doing, and when we should be doing them. As such, you may find yourself watching your teen choosing to prepare for tests at the last minute, handing in assignments late or not at all, performing poorly on tests, and avoiding asking their teachers for help.

What can parents do about this? Your role is now one of supporting your teen’s growing autonomy, while also expecting that there may be gaps in their ability to follow through, or doing what they should be doing. Start by finding out in advance what support services are available at the college your teen will be attending. Model the core belief in a “Growth Mindset” that learning is about honing abilities and skills, as much as it is about learning content. This creates a love of learning and builds resilience necessary for children to solve problems more flexibly and non-judgmentally. Be prepared to ask your teen questions when you see something they may not be seeing: “Is this a problem for you? How can you know? How are you planning to handle that? What will you do about this?”  Be curious about their experience. Listen. Your relationship with your teen is the best way to ensure you two work productively together if something goes awry.

How to communicate with your teen?  Be prepared that he/she may respond defensively to a question they do not have an answer for. Take this as a sign that they really don’t know and that they don’t like not knowing. Acknowledge their feelings. Let them know that you are there to break the problem down with them when they are ready. If they say, “No, I don’t need your help”, you can ask them, “Is there a person at the college who you would feel comfortable talking to about this?” Hold them accountable for finding a solution. Above all, praise all efforts to find a solution even if the solution is not one you agree with. For example, “I see that you are trying to get a handle on this. It is great you are taking responsibility for it. Is there something else that might also be helpful?”

Is the CEGEP or College the best fit? Set your teen up for success. Find a program your child is truly interested in. High interest is the best way to ensure your teen will be engaged during the program. If they must go into a program they are not thrilled about, it is helpful for them to find some activity at the college, outside their studies, that they truly enjoy. This will support them in staying connected to the school community. Also, ask if the school provides accommodations for exams and/or has tutoring and coaching services available.

How do I know if my teen needs coaching? If your teen is underperforming, appears disorganized, and is not sharing with you, it may be that he/she would be more open to working with a coach. Coaching builds the inner skills necessary for academic success: effective problem solving for better decision making, breaking down tasks, learning to ask for help when needed, building accurate self-awareness, and acquiring resilience in the face of challenges.

Where can parents get answers to their questions? You may benefit from support too. Find a coach who is familiar with ADHD and how to build executive skills. Ask them your questions. Or, better still, find a coach for yourself. Have no doubt. You are a leader and your resilience and level of confidence will impact how you show up to support your child.

Lynda Hoffman, certified ADHD coach

Medipsy Psychological Services

Parenting Stress and Social Support

Are you the parent of an infant, toddler, child, tween, or teen?  If you are, then chances are good that you’re incredibly busy.  And of course, the more sweet and amazing children we have, the more hectic life seems to get.  But that’s okay right?  We don’t have to be a circus clown to learn to juggle.  You simply need to be a parent in a high-tech, fast-paced society, making it on your own or with a partner.  And hopefully everyone everyone remains healthy, assuming they are. 

It seems that back in the day when we were kids, we just went to school, maybe had one extra-curricular activity, and played outside with the other kids in the neighborhood, free from excessive parental supervision in the name of safety.  But in our modern times, there are so many more things for parents to worry about, such as our children accessing elicit online material, sexual predators, and even engaging activities with peers that were unheard of 15-20 years go.   Add to this that today’s parents have much longer working hours which makes finding the time to connect with friends and building new relationship more challenging.  Even stay-at-home moms are spending more time behind the wheel carting their kids between playdates, lessons, sports practices, and enrichment activities, with very little time to socialize with friends.  This is very true if you are the parent of young children.   All of this can be as stressful as it is isolating.  In fact, according to one study done on the relationship between social support, family wellbeing, the quality of parenting, and child resilience, attending to our need for supportive relationships is indispensable for parents ⁽¹⁾. 

Many researcher have noted the existence of different types of social support such as emotional, informational, tangible help (physical or financial), and positive social interactions with close ties, just to name a few.  An absence of these in our lives can affect our sense of wellbeing, the quality of our parenting, and even our children’s resilience⁽¹⁾.  Intuitively we know it’s important, but science tells us why.  Researchers suggests that social support acts as a buffer between the things that stress us such as the loss of a job or an accident, and the potential effects of stress, such as ill health, depression, and general distress⁽¹⁾. 

This is especially true for parents with a child with a disability.  One study showed that parental satisfaction with emotional support was the only one of a list of factors studied, that had a significant positive relationship to parental wellbeing and the level of satisfaction in family functioning⁽²⁾.  This type of support can come from family, friends, even from organizations set up to offer support services for parents and caregivers.  Local community health centres such as CLSCs are a good resource for this type of information.   

Many studies have also shown that a child’s resilience, or ability to cope with adversity as it arises, is learned as new challenges are faced and met with success.  When children have the opportunity to witness their parents nurture other close adult ties, they learn that good relationships are an important aspect of life and eventually adopt this as a way of meeting the ups and downs of life as they grow into adulthood.

Certainly, being a parent can bring many joys and also many challenges on ones life.  It is important to remind ourselves that we need the care, the good ear, and the kind heart of people we trust and admire in order to really be there for the most important people in our lives, our children.  When we place importance on taking the time to do so, all benefit.

Lyane Trepanier, Ph.D. Cand., McGill University

on behalf of Medipsy Psychological Services

References

1- Armstrong, I. M., Birnie-Lefcovitch, S., & Ungar, M. T.  (2005). Pathways between social support, family well-being, quality of parenting, and child resilience: What we know.  Journal of Child and Family Studies, 14, 2, 269-281.

http://facweb.northseattle.edu/cadler/Eng_102_S2009/Readings/Shipping%20News%20Readings/Pathways.pdf

2- Snowdon A.W., Cameron S., Dunham K. (1994). Relathionships between stress, coping resources, and satisfaction with family functioning in family with children with disabilities. Canadian Journal of Nursing Research, 26, 3, 63-76.

The Path to Coaching for ADHD

It is a truism that sometimes the best things in life come after many false starts on a long and winding path. This is often the case for someone with ADHD. The stories I hear from clients about how they eventually come to coaching are very similar. “I got the diagnosis and then worked with someone to help me follow through, but they told me it wasn’t working because I couldn’t follow through.”  It can be a torturous process of years of trial and error with various professionals to learn efficient self-management skills. The words I hear most are, “despair”, “lack of effort”, “I failed because of me”, “I want something more from my life”, “I want to be in charge of my own life”.

The good news is that these experiences, while not immediately providing the change clients are seeking, form a rich body of learning about what does and does not work for them. This self-knowledge is key to any successful coaching work they will eventually engage in.

When clients arrive at a coaching session already having a diagnosis and a history of trying many different ways to change things for themselves, they are ready, truly and fully ready, to embark on a productive life changing experience. Their desire for change is at an all-time high, while their despair can be at an all-time low. Paradoxically, these are the conditions that sustain clients when they might otherwise avoid sessions or tasks that feel challenging. These form the motivational foundation from which clients will take risks, tolerate uncertainty, and experiment with how to BE differently in their lives.  

The best news of all, of course, is that these experiences are merely one aspect of the whole person.  And this is what sets coaching apart from other modalities. There is the assumption that all of us are whole, just as we are. Coaching – even ADHD Coaching - is about growing, learning and becoming.  The purpose is to empower, illuminate the essential health of the client, and embrace all parts of ourselves. As Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 

Lynda Hoffman, certified coach

Medipsy Psychological Services

Top 10 Things I Want You to Know about Values

In my first post, I asked the question, "Whatever happened to values?"  Today I would like to distill some of the ideas from this month.  So I have I have created a Top 10 list (and the posts where you can find them).  And here they are.

1.      Find at least one important thing that you want to stand for.  It will bring you enormous  satisfaction.

  (February 3, 4, 5)

2.      Steer away from materialistic values. They won’t make you happy.

  (February 6, 7)

3.      Connect with the importance of your value.  It will make it easier to act.

  (February 11, 21)

4.      Dream big.  Rising above yourself is in your nature.

  (February 17, 28)

5.      Start today.  It won’t get easier if you put it off.

  (February 22, 27, 26, 28)

6.      Organize your life to make a place for values. Don’t expect it to just come naturally.

  (February 10, 16)

7.      Let your kids know what is meaningful to you by showing them not telling them. 

  (February 8)

8.      See life challenges as a chance to clarify what you value.

 (February 12, 25) 

9.      Be kind to yourself.  This is a long-term project.

 (February 26)

10.   Remember that everyone has values – even if they are different from yours.

 (February 15, 24)


Marilyn Fitzpatrick, Ph.D., psychologist